My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Sext me about skeletons
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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