my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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