I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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