nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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