My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
