I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
