remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
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