dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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