Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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