Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
