hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
my being single is dangerous.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
