The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
