We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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