i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So many bounce houses so little time
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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