You smell like a Billy Joel song
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
