She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
