I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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