I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize