You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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