you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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