Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My bed smells like the plague
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
