maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
