Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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