You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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