My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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