fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
