There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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