Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
