I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
