nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
