Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
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