Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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