Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
