You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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