True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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