my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
