I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
