Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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