all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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