I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
