if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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