I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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