: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
