She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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