I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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