it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
