She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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