i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
