The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
