i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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