I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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