She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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