plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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