I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
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