remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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