I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
