are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
