how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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