I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
