yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just found puke in my bra..
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
